thankful? forgiveness? :-?

i think i forgive too easily. if i like you enough, all you have to do is be nice, and i'll probably forgive you for whatever.
though, if i don't know you or don't know you well, and you do something to upset me, you're on my bad side until you redeem yourself.
so make sure i like you before you piss me off.

like you. i don't like her. out of everyone there, her? one of the people i didn't like there, and you were one of my best friends there, and seriously? she's annoying. whatever. we barely talk now.

and you. you are my prime example. just can't help myself. as much as i've tried, i can't. i've been waiting for someone else to help me out, but no one has come along.
it's starting to take a toll on me

i've become such a sap. i don't like it. i tearup at love scenes in just tv shows. b/c they're happy and i'm not.



i'm a fucking good person you idiot.





(i'm fine, i promise. this is between myself and me, you can't help, unless you're you and decide to change which is not going to happen. so no, you can't help.)

wish list

-finish GOOD college app essays on time [~x]
-have people read them [x]
-send college apps on time [x]
-get into good colleges
-go to college i like
-get money for college
-get money for life expenses now
-get all the forms in for Intel STS
-hopefully get at least semifinalist for Intel STS.
-get scholarships (and get them turned in on time)
-go down to gainesville and do all i want to do w/o getting caught/in trouble.
-get good score on SAT [~x]
-have 2nd semester start and 1st one over with
-live in same town as people
-bf
-find more time.

For Nick

i'm not quite sure what to think of Sr. year yet.
these first two weeks have been good, don't get me wrong, but idk how long that'll last. i've had this feeling that i can do just about anything, or get away with just about anything. (of course, that "getting away with anything" feeling got my car towed on tuesday, and i've been more careful now)
i have the feeling of "if i can just make it to here, i'll be good. now, if i can just make it to here, i'll be good. now.." etc. and again, i really don't know how far that'll take me. i've also been going more on instincts, and whatever i feel like at the time. it's not like i'm skipping school or anything. more like, when it comes to doing homework or something, which most of the time i don't want to do. and it's been alright these 1st 2 weeks because i haven't had much hw and i can continue my summer habits. but i'll probably get more soon, which won't be good.
but of course, i'd love for this to go on and be able to balance school work. i love the spontaneity of it.
this is probably all part of the mentality that i just want to get out of high school, send off my college apps, get accepted somewhere good and be set.

there's a couple science things i'd like to do. but that also means more work. which, right now i don't want to do. lol. but i know i'll regret it if i don't. of course, since i'm doing it my sr. year, it won't get on any college application. unless i win something before nov or jan. and idk if that'll happen. my top 3 schools i'm summiting my app before nov, so any science awards wouldn't be on there. it would mostly be for scholarships and personal satisfaction. and trust me, being surrounded by some really smart people, i would love some personal satisfaction in the science category.

i need a boy. it's been too long.

the cliche SSTP entry

so i wrote an entry earlier about the 1st 3 weeks of the program and thinking back on it, i don't think i was enjoying myself as much as i had expected.
and, i must admit, that kinda continued when i got back there. all up until the last week or so. the last week and 1/2 were the most fun. i actually started hanging out with more people and getting close to them. we really started to realize how much we could get away with and how much the counselors started to lighten up.

the last two nights were the best of the entire program. probably because we were done with everything those nights and had no responsibility left and the fact that we stayed up all night - only one of them did we actually have permission to. and i'm glad that those will be my lasting memories from the camp.

so, what all happened the last 4 weeks (starting 4th of july week) :
saw fireworks the night before the 4th; free day july 4th; saw transformers; did our midterm orals; had our costume party (i was pippy-long-stockings/wendy's girl); went to magic kingdom (which doesn't have enough rides to keep you occupied for 11 hours.)
movies with nick; beaty's trashcan catching on fire because someone threw a burning paper towel (or something) down the trash shoot; having a kinda lame pool party; going to gator nights; going to Busch Gardens and having every ride stop for 1/2 hour because of the lightning
watched HP5; played pool at the reitz with nick and kevin; went out to sonny's with kevin and katiana; reserved my copy of HP7; bought my costume for HP7; had the formal dinner and dance at a Holiday Inn; stayed up for the midnight release of HP7; had our first free saturday; got mediterranean food and hookah; more pool at the reitz with nick and kevin
having lunch/seeing nick and kevin for the last time in gainesville; natasha and i preformed our amazing salsa dance at the talent show; sam, danny, and podo preforming at the talent show; kiss from a rose on the gray at the talent show; mel and i skipped our practice oral for the yale information session; found out my results/conclusion for my project was wrong and had to change all of it in my powerpoint, poster, and paper in about two days (i had to get extensions on them lol); gave our finial presentations; snuck out and stayed up thursday night and ended up having a slumber party with zach and jay in zach's room; said goodbye to my lab; had the awards ceremony and professor reception; stayed up all night with a crazy dance party.

this doesn't include all the times we snuck guys in our room to hang out. or how after a while, i just stopped signing out. and driving with nick and kevin so many times but only telling the counselors like twice. i'm sure there's a bunch more, just can't come to mind right now.

oh yeah, awards ceremony, i won:
best poster (out of my study group - there were 8 study groups)
and outstanding presentation (out of the program - there was about 20 of them)
the outstanding presentation award nominates me for JSHS, which is a thing in which they pick 20 kids in the entire state to speak and present their project. and there's usually a good amount of SSTP kids that speak, so i'm really crossing my fingers on this.
i'm still not ecstatic about my project subject but i know it. and i can still use it in science fair stuff.

overall, i had a good time and am glad i'm able to bring something away from this. i just really hope i can keep in touch with everyone still.

this definitely goes down as one great summer.

3 weeks

well, its the end of the first 3 weeks here at SSTP. and it's been interesting.

for my lab, i pretty much sit on the computer all day and i'm suppose to be learning a simulation program to run my lab, but i haven't even seen it yet. so, my days have been spent on the computer mostly checking facebook and talking on google talk. it gets pretty boring after a while.
midterm orals are at the end of next week (a 4 minute presentation of what you've done so far), and i might have enough background information to take up those 4 minutes, but i wish i could talk about my actual experiment.
so that's kinda gotten annoying since, it's 3 weeks in and i haven't started my actual experiment.

lectures every morning is alright. they've mostly been about biomedical stuff, so i get the main point and daydream during the detail parts. and daydreaming is the only way to stay awake during those parts.. the main ideas are good enough because then i can just pick one to write an extension paper on. (which aren't that bad, just some BS and summary of journals. or citing journals and summary of wiki)

the IDH seminars (which are twice a week) are going fairly well. i'm in the Artificial Intelligence one and have realized i will not be working with computers when i'm older. it's all about finding the right method for a computer to follow and i don't think like that. i find whatever method works for me and use it. of course, this class was the only one that was as far away from biology and medicine and had some math in it. the teachers both have accents so sometimes it's hard to understand them. plus they try and teach grad-student level material in an hour - which can be tough. but they did say that if you get over an 80% in the class, they'll give you an A; between 50% and 80% - a B. hopefully i can get above an 80, but idk, because sometimes it's hard to know what exactly they want out of us.
the other problem with the class i have, is the people. some of them aren't understanding the material completely and so just don't pay attention. by not paying attention, they become very rude and sometimes argue with the teacher about futile things. (this happened last thursday and got me really pissed off) other than that though, i am learning stuff about computers and i think i'll learn some programing too, which will be useful later on.

in lab i'm learning how to use linux and some linux commands. haven't done anything else since then (i've just learned the basic commands) but i think i'll be using it more and maybe that'll be useful too. idk. (at this point, i just want to use it)

the people here:
i've noticed, after talking to some people, that i'm one of the smarter ones, which i didn't think would happen. they also are more science-inclined than math. another thing to get used to.
i have to be modest sometimes because i don't want to get what i got at school about being smart and all.. (they thought i was a genius when i said i got an 800 on SAT Math IIC.) i must admit, i miss being surrounded by kids that are 15 times smarter than i am. there are only a couple here, and most of them are the stereotypical geek.
but i've found some cool people to hang out with. mostly my roommates. and our group is definitely the minority there. us girls are all pretty down to earth and chill, while most of the other girls here are very flirtatious, spacey, loud (in an annoying way), and some are materialistic. (the girl from one of the Sweet Sixteen's is here. <- very materialistic). and of course, all the guys are going to flock to them. plus, since you had to pay $3000 to come here, some of the kids here are rich. and don't mind eating out every night or buying starbucks every morning. the sweet sixteen girl said she had already spent $400 so far. wtf? personally, i wouldn't mind cooking my dinner most nights, but it's no fun if you're by yourself. which makes me a bit anti-social sometimes. because some nights i would like to just watch a movie while others want to go out. or play soccer. and soccer is great fun, i just can't do it every night/don't want to. this again, can make me a bit anit-social in meeting other kids.
all in all, so far no guys for Ann yet. there is this very good looking guy here, he's kinda quiet and reserved, but i thought i might still have a chance. of course, then the other day, i found out his SAT score, and stopped pursuing him. now, i know that sounds really geeky-shallow, but, he didn't break 1200.. that says something.. so, no prospects for Ann. but i'm not giving up, there's still 4 more weeks left.. you never know.

i spent an hour in lab typing that up and now i'm home. (that's what i do in lab = nothing. but my study group leader talked to my grad students today, so hopefully i can start something on monday. :crosses fingers:)
one of the best things about being home now: faster internet on my own computer. i'll have to download stuff now. i couldn't before because of my low internet connection in my dorm. but now i can. yay! :-)

off to find something to do - call me before sunday to hang out!

Summer

When i first started applying for summer programs, i was set on going to YSP. and i also applied to SSTP because it seemed like a good program too, but not as prestigious as YSP.
If i got into both, i would choose YSP.
i got into SSTP. i got wait-listed for YSP.
they asked if i wanted to stay on the waiting list for YSP, and i haven't emailed them back yet. i was just going ask if i could stay there til may 25th or so, but i might just ask them to keep me there, and if i get accepted, just decline. thing is, there's not that good of a chance i'll get in.
however, in light of recent events, i don't think i really want to go to YSP. no offense, but mostly because my friends are going and i'll already know people there.
SSTP i'll get a clean start. no one will know me, and i won't know anyone (that i know of yet). the idea feels refreshing to me. it's not that i hate my friends or anything, it's that it's nice to have a clean slate with people. new friends, new perceptions; you can create what people can perceive you as.
also, if i'm having a good enough time with the people there, that i'm with, i don't really want to think about anything else. that's a nice feeling too. i usually don't like change too much, but right now, it's almost perfect. (of course, there's always the possibility of me hating it and wanting to keep in contact with you guys the entire time.. but i hope that's not the case.)

the other factor is, YSP is more known. it seems a little more prestigious to be accepted into. if i'm allowed in, it would be more highly looked upon than SSTP, it seems. and also, it's what i've been hoping to get into since last year. (although i think mrs brumage sent in my 10th grade PSAT scores rather than my 11th grade ones. and my 11th grade ones were 30 points higher than 10th grade. yeah, biiig difference. oh well though)

that's why i'll just go ahead and do SSTP. i still want to know if i could get into YSP though. But, they seem like similar programs, and i feel i can get more out of the "residential" part with SSTP. might even be better for me.

i really hope this summer is good. last one kinda sucked. also hope i have at least some rest time in there. (apart from lit required reading and starting to look at colleges...)

stress

i had stress up until the ACT.
then i had a week. that week was pretty nice.
then state. which was fun.
and then school work slapped me hard in the face.
the tuesday i got back, i had a lot of work to make up, and so i stayed up that night. but then wednesday, i had just about the same work load. and that was regular homework.
from then on i've had pretty much that same work load.
last week, i definitely didn't go to bed before 11. i worked on that friday night and saturday morning, before prom. i worked the entire day on sunday on my spanish project and then acids and bases APEX.
this past week, i have worked constantly from a little after getting home until 12. with breaks for dance and dinner. one night i didn't even eat dinner because i forgot to make myself some.
this morning i took SAT IIs, math and chemistry. i answered all on math, but i only had time to check over like 1/2 the ones i wasn't sure about. so, i don't know about that one. i was unsure on more of the chemistry ones :-\. and those i had to think more on, so i didn't get to go back and check as many as i wanted to, and i had more i was unsure about so.. plus, i don't know if i answered all of them. :-\
i'm hoping for at least in the 700's in both..

next week starts AP exams. Stat is on tuesday and Calc's on wednesday. tomorrow will be devoted to both of them. especially calc because the only review we've had is that cumulative review. and i didn't get some of the questions on there, so i think i'm going to go back over that. and then do those stat FRQs and review conditions, definitions, probability and such for stat.
today i hope to start on my lang study book. that's in a week and 1/2, i haven't cracked my book yet and it's probably the test i need the most studying on (and the hardest to study for).
after calc, that wednesday night, i'm going to start on psych cards and continue my lang. then on thursday night i'll pick back up on my studying for chem and do those 15 questions and such.
chem and psych are on tuesday. lang is on wed.
that wednesday night is MAO awards night. so that'll be a nice break, relax, night.
that thursday i want to go to the beach and just not be in school.
that friday, the 18th, is my dance rehearsal. we have to be at Ruby Diamond by like 3. with our costumes and hair done and they prefer our makeup done, but not required. we get out of school at 2:50. wtf?!
Recital saturday at Ruby Diamond: 11:00
Recital saturday at Ruby Diamnod: 2:00
Recital sunday at Ruby Diamond: 2:00
saturday shows are the little kids and i still 4 times in each.
sunday is the high schoolers and i dance 5 times.
so now you have 3 chances to watch! (but come to the sunday show if you can.)
and i am inviting you guys, so please come. i'm not begging you to, but it would be nice. (again, come to the sunday show if you can)

then. i get 2 weeks.
to study.
i take the SAT again on June 2 and i really hope to be done with it by then. get a high enough score that i'm pleased with, and finish taking it.
i then have a week to relax. enjoy
and then June 10th i start UF SSTP. although i hope to go down a couple days before and buy food and stuff.
and i'm there until July 28.
i have 3 weeks of summer to myself then. but will be doing school work and probably starting college applications.

...and then school starts. lol.
yay busy-ness! lol

thank you very much.

so.. my name got changed on facebook, and i couldn't change it back to just plain "Ann D." so, as you know, i changed it to "Andi Trick" which i thought was pretty amusing.
but i actually wanted my name changed back, so i wrote facebook asking about it. so you know what they do, deactivate my account.
that's right, i can't get on facebook right now because my name is "Andi Trick." in the email they sent me, they said "contact us with your real name, and we'll reactivate your account" meaning i can't get into facebook to just change it myself. so i have to wait for it to get to someone's inbox for them to change my name and i can get back on facebook.
but also, all the stuff i did under "Andi Trick" probably got erased (from what clara said). gah.
i'm overreacting. sorry. i know where they're coming from.
just not everything has been going my way recently and this just piles on top of it.
whatever, i probably have more productive stuff to do. like actual homework. lol
plus dance tonight. :-\

Lee's Place

so this morning i woke up at 6:30, picked John up and we went over to Lake Ella to run the Lee's Place 5k. we got over there around 7 because Danielle told us the race started at 8 (and we still had to register and everything). well we got there, and no one was there. so we went into Lee's Place and asked where registration was and they were like "wow you guys are early." apparently, the race actually started at 8:45. but we registered anyways, and they gave us our numbers and stuff. so then we were just sorta hanging out, and they were organizing t-shirts. the tshirts were only for the people who pre-registered, but since we were there so early, they let us have one anyway. :-)

met Danielle and others a while later. ran the race. fairly flat. couple laps around Lake Ella and through the neighborhood behind Lake Ella (off Meridian.) i ran a 29:58, which definitely isn't my personal best, but after not running for over a year (and a year ago i only ran the mile at springtime), i think that was pretty good.
then afterwards headed over to Paradise Grill and Bar and had like a buffet breakfast. and got goody bags. Gene Deckerhoff was there and did awards. and then we left.

i might have to start running on the weekends now, after realizing how out of shape i am. :-\ maybe it'll even like clear my head and de-stress me some.

now i still have 2 days full of work ahead of me, but this morning was good. i'm glad i went. i think if i didn't i would feel very lazy and like a complete couch potato.

too late

SPPPPPRRRRRRINNNNNNNGGGG
BBBBRRRREEEAAAK!

haha. i hope this doesn't go by too fast like i know it will. oh well.
still won't do chem until next sunday probably.
haha

spring break

spring break is in a week and 1/2. ann is excited!
ann has a test in just about every class in the next two weeks. so ann has to cram and study for those tests. because most of them decide her grade.
too bad she hasn't had a full, serious week of school in three weeks and so now she isn't really caring about school and homework and just wants to sleep. lol

i'm not doing anything for spring break. which will probably be nice. i'll get to relax. and should probably study for the ACT.
also gotta do that YSP thing by the 15
getting my hair cut tomorrow. and going to take myself shopping. just hope i'll have enough time to do hw after that.

i really like this profile picture. and livejournal's. but don't want to put them main-stream like xanga/facebook because i don't like those type of pictures on people's profile.. idk. i put it up because i like how i look.

anyway. dance soon. hw now.

new profile picture

i decided to play with it some with the tools picasa had.
i really wish i had photoshop so that i could do more things to it.
like fade out the background or do some color highlights or something.

clara, we really need to have that party so i can wear that outfit again.
and we'll have to do it that friday on that weekend after Middleton because my mom already has plans for me that saturday.
i really want to have a party, we're overdue. tell me what you think. and we'll talk tomorrow or something.

valentine's day

not my favorite holiday
also considering that i've never had anyone on valentine's day. it always falls right inbetween relationships/boys.
today was no different.
i wasn't hungry at all today, i had to force down my lunch. and yet, i also kept forcing down whatever candy i had to see if it'd make me feel any better. it didn't.
so now, i'm sick off candy and still don't feel good.

this really is the most depressing day of the year.
but at least you know you're loved by others even if others don't.

random fun-ness of the week

-my dad and i:
thrusday night my dad and i go to office depot. they don't have the backboard i want, so we spent an hour trying to figure out what to do with the boards office depot have. and we figure out something that looks even better.
we're driving home from wal-mart on the curvy ox bottom road and
he asks: you ever tried Anti-Lock Brakes?
me: yeah, i tried them with that Jetta we test drove a while back
dad: you could feel it go bump bump bump and all
me: yeah..
...
dad: wanna try 'em?
me:yeah, let's go.
*BRAKEEEEEE*
both: *cracking up*

- spending 6 hours at Candace's house:
i made our backboard and spent an hour on it with my exato knife. i even geometry to cut out our corner triangles and make sure the sides could fold into each other. and now when it stands up, the sides even lean back like they're presenting the board. and the outside boards fit perfectly with cuts. you'll have to see it. amazing.
also making pancakes for dinner
and cutting foam with the exato knife again for some of our pictures.

-PC
just plain dancing. i realized its not something that really, clearly defines me, but oh do i love to do it. and the adrenaline rush you get when you're preforming. one of my dances, that everyone gets tired out doing like half-way through, everyone was hitting it throughout the entire dance. of course we all collapsed right after we got off, but while you're preforming.. you just know you can do whatever the move is.
and two of my dances getting High Gold (one of them my small group in which there's less people and more chances to notice someone doing something wrong.) and our large group that we can absolutely never get together got Platinum which is the HIGHEST and most prestige award. plus that dance got 1st place high score out of the large groups (which is also good).
also, hanging out with my mom and sister. just the girls.
oh, and our reservation got canceled (because we originally booked fri and sat night, but then canceled friday, but they canceled both) and my mom was not happy and does not take that sort of thing without a fight. we got the corner, bayview suite for the price of a regular room. so that was nice.

-rocket launching:
after the girls got home, my dad, brother and brother's friend and i went out to Chiles' soccer practice feilds and shot off rockets. A engine = smallest, B = medium, C = largest engine we had with us.
our 3rd or 4th launch, we (more like i) decided to launch the smallest, lightest rocket with a C engine. ..it got up into the clouds, but we tilted it too much into the wind and lost it in the woods. lol. we then spent about 20 minutes or so exploring the woods behind Chiles looking for the rocket. there are deer trails back there that are pretty cool. we didn't find it but
and then after a while, i took the job of positioning the angle of the launch pad stick into the wind to make it land as close to us as possible. my most impressive was 30 meters away with a C engine in a tiny rocket. i also had 9 and 2 meters away but that was with an A engine in a heavy rocket, so it didn't go very far up.
very fun stuff.

that's my random fun stuff of the weekend. homework today wasn't fun and i still need to memorize a spanish paragraph my 6th period. craaaaap.
i hate Mrs Knoll's memorizing spree

OWC this weekend (i need to study again)

oops. i haven't written in a while

my xanga has my recent posts.
i like posting in here though because only a select few know about it and it sometimes even takes them a while before they read it. doesn't mean that i can completely spill my guts in here, just nice to know i have a bit more freedom in what i can write and not have so many people read it.

i like keeping stuff in my head sometimes. like just making my own little world where every event is perfect. keeps me entertained.
but it also entails hope. so, only after i've accepted that this world/personal mock up of future events won't happen, then i can enjoy it.
it's weird. i'm a very optimistic person, yet try to have low expectations so i'm not disappointed.
maybe i'm optimistic about bad events: that they'll bring something good, that it happened for a reason and with time, will bring something good. whereas with immediate future events, i try to have low expectations to not be disappointed. or just not be disappointed in general and say it happened for a reason. which brings me back to being optimistic.

anyways, when you think about something for too long, it becomes so idealistic to you that sometimes you can't accept the real thing it was based off of.

i don't like change too much. especially when i don't know what the change is or what it's going to be to. once i know what it's going to change to, i can pretty much figure out what i should do next. it's the "something's going to change but you don't know what or when or how yet" that i hate the most. a foreboding thing that you don't even know what it is.
probably why i always have to know everything. everything i find pertinent that isn't sticking my nose in someone else's business.


anyways, my pondering thoughts. off to do some psych.

sunday

so.. today i watched Love Actually, Top Gun, Independence Day, Desperate Housewives, and now Brothers and Sisters.
i reeeally hope that nothing's due tomorrow cuz i didn't do anything
i have a book project thing due tues (that i'll due tomorrow night)
and chem problems due wed (that i'll start tomorrow night as well)

Buchholz is coming. i'll probably study some mao sometime this week, hopefully.
tomorrow i'll find out who's all coming on this trip. maybe that'll help some decisions. :-\

ha. so i'm bored.

i haven't done practically anything the past couple of days..
saturday i went to the beach. that was real mellow and fun.
sunday i unwillingly stayed home and did nothing. not during the day nor at night. i was especially upset about the night part. my mom said we could have a new years party next year at our house. just the thing is, is that a lot of other people throw ones as well which would take away from mine.. and as much as i would love to be invited to those parties, i never am. ever. i've only ever threw my own or sat at home on new years. (except last year i spent the night at Kaley's)
just that when i talk to people, either they don't care about new years and are perfectly fine not staying up, or have a friend who's throwing a party that i don't know.
gah. i'm complaining. and i can't do anything about what happened on sunday.
i guess i'll just worry about whether to plan a party or not next year if no one else is. i'll just have to start planning it at like the beginning of dec so that all the people staying in town will actually know i'm throwing one. and maybe i'll actually have someone to kiss at midnight by then (cuz that's never happened either)
anyways
i also didn't do much monday either. except that night i went with Clara and saw Casino Royale. good movie. just, we got to the mall early to buy Cicy a present, and got there right before 6. found her a present and still had like an hour before the movie started. and then right at 6, allll the stores closed. all of them. (good thing we got there when we did.)
so then we just went and bought our tickets and watched Charlotte's Web for about 45 min until 007 started. which was a loot better than charlotte's web. lol

today. i decided to do my hw because i haven't done any of it over the break. and some of it i have to turn in to school tomorrow. lol. although that only took about hour or two of my time up. (and mostly because i was kinda spacey doing it..) and then proceeded to watch tv and not do anything except be online, like always, for the rest of the day :-)
of course, the night's still young, i could go out and do something with some people. but only if they ask. i don't feel like planning anything right now.

tomorrow i really need to do my chemistry. and my calc. and some history fair so i don't let candace down. chemistry might take a while. but hopefully, since i'll be doing something, i won't be distracted worrying about other things and be too spacey.
sucks that school's in a day.
but i'm looking forward to Cicy's party. it seems like it's farther away than it actually is. probably because my first obstacle to tackle is school starting again, and then Cicy's party.
but i'm wearing my new shirt to her party. and my new earrings. i'm going to look hott. though, Cicy said the only hott guy there will be Alan Chen, sucks that he's a sophomore. i don't go after younger guys.. even if they are hott.

ok. this is definitely long enough, i'll be surprised if anyone reads all this.