oops. i haven't written in a while

my xanga has my recent posts.
i like posting in here though because only a select few know about it and it sometimes even takes them a while before they read it. doesn't mean that i can completely spill my guts in here, just nice to know i have a bit more freedom in what i can write and not have so many people read it.

i like keeping stuff in my head sometimes. like just making my own little world where every event is perfect. keeps me entertained.
but it also entails hope. so, only after i've accepted that this world/personal mock up of future events won't happen, then i can enjoy it.
it's weird. i'm a very optimistic person, yet try to have low expectations so i'm not disappointed.
maybe i'm optimistic about bad events: that they'll bring something good, that it happened for a reason and with time, will bring something good. whereas with immediate future events, i try to have low expectations to not be disappointed. or just not be disappointed in general and say it happened for a reason. which brings me back to being optimistic.

anyways, when you think about something for too long, it becomes so idealistic to you that sometimes you can't accept the real thing it was based off of.

i don't like change too much. especially when i don't know what the change is or what it's going to be to. once i know what it's going to change to, i can pretty much figure out what i should do next. it's the "something's going to change but you don't know what or when or how yet" that i hate the most. a foreboding thing that you don't even know what it is.
probably why i always have to know everything. everything i find pertinent that isn't sticking my nose in someone else's business.


anyways, my pondering thoughts. off to do some psych.