oops. i haven't written in a while

my xanga has my recent posts.
i like posting in here though because only a select few know about it and it sometimes even takes them a while before they read it. doesn't mean that i can completely spill my guts in here, just nice to know i have a bit more freedom in what i can write and not have so many people read it.

i like keeping stuff in my head sometimes. like just making my own little world where every event is perfect. keeps me entertained.
but it also entails hope. so, only after i've accepted that this world/personal mock up of future events won't happen, then i can enjoy it.
it's weird. i'm a very optimistic person, yet try to have low expectations so i'm not disappointed.
maybe i'm optimistic about bad events: that they'll bring something good, that it happened for a reason and with time, will bring something good. whereas with immediate future events, i try to have low expectations to not be disappointed. or just not be disappointed in general and say it happened for a reason. which brings me back to being optimistic.

anyways, when you think about something for too long, it becomes so idealistic to you that sometimes you can't accept the real thing it was based off of.

i don't like change too much. especially when i don't know what the change is or what it's going to be to. once i know what it's going to change to, i can pretty much figure out what i should do next. it's the "something's going to change but you don't know what or when or how yet" that i hate the most. a foreboding thing that you don't even know what it is.
probably why i always have to know everything. everything i find pertinent that isn't sticking my nose in someone else's business.


anyways, my pondering thoughts. off to do some psych.

sunday

so.. today i watched Love Actually, Top Gun, Independence Day, Desperate Housewives, and now Brothers and Sisters.
i reeeally hope that nothing's due tomorrow cuz i didn't do anything
i have a book project thing due tues (that i'll due tomorrow night)
and chem problems due wed (that i'll start tomorrow night as well)

Buchholz is coming. i'll probably study some mao sometime this week, hopefully.
tomorrow i'll find out who's all coming on this trip. maybe that'll help some decisions. :-\

ha. so i'm bored.

i haven't done practically anything the past couple of days..
saturday i went to the beach. that was real mellow and fun.
sunday i unwillingly stayed home and did nothing. not during the day nor at night. i was especially upset about the night part. my mom said we could have a new years party next year at our house. just the thing is, is that a lot of other people throw ones as well which would take away from mine.. and as much as i would love to be invited to those parties, i never am. ever. i've only ever threw my own or sat at home on new years. (except last year i spent the night at Kaley's)
just that when i talk to people, either they don't care about new years and are perfectly fine not staying up, or have a friend who's throwing a party that i don't know.
gah. i'm complaining. and i can't do anything about what happened on sunday.
i guess i'll just worry about whether to plan a party or not next year if no one else is. i'll just have to start planning it at like the beginning of dec so that all the people staying in town will actually know i'm throwing one. and maybe i'll actually have someone to kiss at midnight by then (cuz that's never happened either)
anyways
i also didn't do much monday either. except that night i went with Clara and saw Casino Royale. good movie. just, we got to the mall early to buy Cicy a present, and got there right before 6. found her a present and still had like an hour before the movie started. and then right at 6, allll the stores closed. all of them. (good thing we got there when we did.)
so then we just went and bought our tickets and watched Charlotte's Web for about 45 min until 007 started. which was a loot better than charlotte's web. lol

today. i decided to do my hw because i haven't done any of it over the break. and some of it i have to turn in to school tomorrow. lol. although that only took about hour or two of my time up. (and mostly because i was kinda spacey doing it..) and then proceeded to watch tv and not do anything except be online, like always, for the rest of the day :-)
of course, the night's still young, i could go out and do something with some people. but only if they ask. i don't feel like planning anything right now.

tomorrow i really need to do my chemistry. and my calc. and some history fair so i don't let candace down. chemistry might take a while. but hopefully, since i'll be doing something, i won't be distracted worrying about other things and be too spacey.
sucks that school's in a day.
but i'm looking forward to Cicy's party. it seems like it's farther away than it actually is. probably because my first obstacle to tackle is school starting again, and then Cicy's party.
but i'm wearing my new shirt to her party. and my new earrings. i'm going to look hott. though, Cicy said the only hott guy there will be Alan Chen, sucks that he's a sophomore. i don't go after younger guys.. even if they are hott.

ok. this is definitely long enough, i'll be surprised if anyone reads all this.